ARCHIVED TWHLAY I:XVI

 

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The Way He Looks at You Series

Act I: The Way He Looks at You
Chapter 16: The Way He Loses You

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Chapter Summary

The last full day of Cal's mission is here, but your time away gets extended.
Rating: 18+
Words: 3.1K

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Waking the morning after confessing your love for Cal, you find he isn’t there. You roll over onto his pillow and bury your face in it, inhaling his scent to soothe the desire to be near him. After a few minutes you crawl out of bed and go through your usual morning routine. Remembering to swallow a small pinch of the herbs that Kaahlii gave you.

You aren’t entirely sure how to spend this last full day by yourself. Cal should be back no later than dawn tomorrow so that you both may leave. Your stomach twists at the thought of him not returning and having to leave by yourself, though you are sure that is not likely. Despite how much you hate Inquisitors, you find in this moment that you are grateful they are difficult to off; it ensures your future.

As you pack up your bag for the day you find a note scrawled across the top sheet of your folding paper. You place the rest of the items in your bag but stare at the note.

One more day until I can hold you in my arms.

Love,

Cal

The note causes an eruption of butterflies in your stomach as you grin. You hold the note close to your heart, as if hugging it, then walk towards the front door. Your eyes won’t stop rereading the message as you unlock the door and open it wide. The moment the door is open you feel a pair of large hands shove you back inside. You yelp in surprise and pull away from your attacker, backing further into the room as they close and lock the door.

Without looking at the man you drop the note and turn to run towards the window, hoping to escape as you did last night. They are faster, sliding the nearby dresser to block the escape route. They used the Force, your heart stops and your blood runs cold as you turn back around slowly, defeated.

Theo is looking at you, his gaze hard, you’ve never seen him look anywhere near this upset with you, even during the breakup. One hand is gripping the hilt of his lightsaber, still attached to his belt. It’s as if he isn’t sure whether you are a threat, but he won’t be surprised again.

“I thought you left.” You say slowly.

“I didn’t.” He says simply.

You both look equally scared of one another, the history between you realized but the future uncertain. Your heart is beating hard, and it feels impossible to breathe deeply. Neither of you seems willing to look away, unsure what the other may do.

“Theo-” You start.

“What happened to you? It’s only been a few days, and you’re what? With an Inquisitor?” Theo yells. “How could you turn your back on the Rebellion so quickly? On me? On your family?”

The last words bite and you feel anger flare up, blood running close to the surface of your skin, making everything hot. “I didn’t turn on anyone!” You yell back.

“Then how do you explain this?” Theo says, gesturing wildly to you and the room. “Look at how you’re dressed! You…you slept with him.”

There is a look of deep betrayal in Theo’s expression. You’ve never seen him in so much pain, his beautiful face twisted in disbelief.

“I, Theo, I don’t know what to say.” You try to speak but you aren’t even sure where to start in the story.

“I followed you back here last night after you thought I was gone. I wasn’t sure why you hid from me, I thought maybe you were still hurting about the breakup, but I never would have expected…this.” He shakes his head, anger and confusion wrinkling his forehead.

You trudge towards the bed and perch on the edge, trying to show Theo that you aren’t a threat and you’re willing to discuss this. His posture relaxes when you sit, his shoulders drop and he removes his hand from his lightsaber.

“Tell me what happened.” Theo says gently.

So you do, you tell him as much as makes sense; explaining the initial interaction, the choices to leave or stay, and how you protected the Rebellion, not betray them. You leave out the part about loving Cal and wanting to be with him, fearful that Theo will try to convince you otherwise. After several minutes of explaining you get to the end of the story and there is silence as he absorbs the information.

“You should have left, you don’t have to sell your freedom for my life.” Theo says, his eyes moving from a spot on the floor to look deeply into yours.

“I will not let others die over my freedom, the Rebellion is safer with my position here.” You argue.

Theo gives you a sharp look, “Your life matters as much as anyone, you should have taken the freedom, warned us, we could have resisted against the attack that he would have led.”

You give a pained look in response, “It’s not that simple.”

Theo moves to sit next to you, taking your icy hands in his larger warm ones. He tries to look at your face but you have your head bowed, avoiding eye contact. “What are you hiding?” He asks in a soft tone, trying to soothe your fears.

You hesitate for a long while, trying to decide if you should tell him or not. He has a right to know, but it’s going to make everything far more complicated. Tears fall from the corners of your eyes and Theo places an arm around your shoulder pulling you into his firm chest. The kind gesture pushes you over the edge and you sob, hating yourself the entire time, it feels like a betrayal to Cal.

Theo turns into you and wraps his other arm around your body, providing you with a cocoon of safety. He rests his chin on the top of your head as you cry. You can’t bring yourself to hug him back, instead your arms weakly rest in your lap, you feel like a child being comforted.

It takes a few minutes before you can calm yourself enough to speak, Theo is patient and kind the entire time, not rushing the information. It feels almost like before, when he would hold you on the anniversary of your family’s murder. You finally pull away from the embrace and look at him, ready to speak.

“I couldn’t leave because I can’t cause more lives to be lost, not when I might lose…” You inhale a stuttered breath from the crying. “I might be pregnant with your child.”

Theo’s face pales and the whites of his eyes become visible on all sides of the gray. “You’re pregnant?” He asks incredulously.

You immediately regret telling him, his reaction reaffirms that he does not want you, let alone a family with you. Without thinking, your body pulls away from him entirely, ensuring that no part of you is touching.

Theo scrambles to recover from his initial shock, “I’m sorry, I’m not upset, I’m just surprised. I didn’t realize that one time would have…”

As he trails off you cut in, “I don’t know that I’m pregnant! Cal just said it was a possibility, and he said if it was yours, that he has a duty to eliminate the Jedi.” You say angrily, not hearing how awful the words sound as they come out of your mouth.

Theo looks reasonably horrified by the statement and roars back, “He WHAT?”

Your anger falters at his reaction and you open and close your mouth a few times trying to find the right words. You don’t want it to look this way, but you can’t tell Theo that you also stayed because of your feelings for Cal, he wouldn’t understand. You can’t tell him that Cal tried to ensure it wouldn’t come to that. That he doesn’t want to hurt you and tried to solve the problem by the only way he could in his position. You want to defend Cal, but you cannot say any of the words.

Theo leaps to his feet and paces around the room furiously. “Inquisitors care so little for others, what a horrible thing to say to you. I won’t let him do that, I won’t let him take our child.”

Time is slowing again as you realize you can’t escape this situation, you stare blankly at the wall and he speaks aloud mostly to himself. Everything feels cold and numb and you wish you could disappear. You wished you had been paying more attention, not opened the door without checking that no one was waiting. You glance at the love note on the floor, a shoe print has wrinkled the paper from when you dropped it.

Theo continues to speak, but he is now focused on you again; he kneels in front of you, taking your hands in his. “I am so sorry for abandoning you, for allowing this to happen. It was selfish, and I was worried about my place in the world. I forgot the impact I’ve made and that I am responsible for those decisions. I won’t let it happen again, I will protect you and our baby. We’ll be okay, I won’t let anything happen to you again.”

You stare back as he speaks, wishing he had said these words days ago. A speech that would have healed your heart is now breaking it. You know Theo will not let you go back to Cal. It feels like every time you get what you want it is short-lived. Surely this is a curse.

Theo cups your face in his hands, “I know you’re scared, but I’m going to get us out of here, we’ll be a family.” He leans forward and kisses you softly on your forehead. You stare straight through him, disassociating entirely from what is happening. He pulls you to your feet and wraps an arm around your waist to steady you.

While walking towards the door, he notices the paper on the ground and bends over to pick it up. You make a grab for the paper as your mind re-enters your body but Theo is faster, pulling it out of reach and reading it. He shakes his head then crumples the paper into a ball and tosses it onto the bed. Your heart shatters at losing this piece of Cal but you say nothing, allowing Theo to take you away from the life you wanted once again.

He keeps an arm around you the entire walk back to his ship, something that he had never done the entire time you were dating. He was always careful to not show affection to you in front of others, always worried about how it would reflect on him.

It’s as though losing you to another man made him wake up and realize that he needs to do more. You’re sure he wouldn’t force you to be with him if you loved someone else, but you can’t tell him you love an Inquisitor, especially when that same Inquisitor threatened to kill your baby if it’s not his. It’s all so wrong, Theo isn’t trying to ruin your life, he doesn’t want to hurt you by taking you away. He is trying to do what you tried to do for him yesterday, rescue you from what he perceives to be the worst-case scenario.

You board your old craft, and it surprises you to find a crew that you don’t recognize. They greet you and you nod in acknowledgment. Theo explains the situation and they all stare at you in horror, clearly believing you are a victim who is being rescued. You stare at the floor, tears filling your eyes, unable to say why you are really crying.

Theo guides you to a seat, taking care to be gentle with you, as though you are as delicate as porcelain. Then he and the rest of the crew go into the cockpit to have a private conversation in hushed tones. You are sure that they are discussing where to take you, to hide you from Cal. It feels like your heart is being ripped apart; you are watching your short-lived happiness leave, two tragedies in less than a week.

All you can do is collapse onto the seat, curling up into a ball and sobbing. Part of you imagines you can reach out through the Force, to tell Cal what is happening, to have him save you. The other part knows that if he finds you, more innocents will die. You place a hand on your lower stomach, wondering if there is life in there. If not, Cal won’t find you, won’t hurt anyone. If so, he will.

A worse thought crosses your mind, if there is no life, you will never see Cal again, and Theo will probably reject you once he knows he is no longer bound to you. You didn’t know it was possible for more pain to stab at your heart, but it does. You curl further inward, unable to soothe the sorrow that torments your body, sobbing until there is nothing left.

You didn’t realize you had fallen asleep until you felt yourself being carried. Without thought you snuggle into Cal’s chest, inhaling deeply, breathing him in. Only then do you realize it isn’t Cal, you open your tired eyes to see Theo; he smiles down at you and you realize you can’t pull away from the action now. Your body stiffens as you hold the affectionate gesture, then you relax.

“I can walk.” You say.

“It’s okay, I know you’ve been through a lot, I didn’t want to wake you.” Theo says gently.

You try to squirm out of his arms and he allows the struggle before placing you on your feet. He doesn’t stop touching you, placing a hand on the small of your back. You look around trying to take in your surroundings. It’s nighttime so you can’t see everything but you’re definitely on a Rebel base, but you aren’t sure where, you haven’t been to this one before. They are definitely trying to hide you, a lump forms in your throat at the realization.

A few people give you funny looks as you walk, your clothes are surely the cause. You ignore them and allow yourself to be led to a building of dorms. You’ve been in similar housing in the past, they are usually re-purposed abandoned buildings to house the Rebels.

The two of you arrive at a door and Theo opens it, allowing you to walk in first. It’s exactly what you expected, just a room with a bed large enough for you both. There is a level of emotional exhaustion but you don’t feel tired, especially not after falling asleep only a couple hours after waking. The time change between planets is always so jarring.

“I know you probably aren’t tired, but you should get some rest, you fell out of a window yesterday and I know you’ve been through a lot.” He looks down at your stomach, “Especially if…” Theo trails off.

“I don’t think I can sleep.” You say weakly.

He nods then reaches out to unclasp your cloak, allowing it to pool on the floor. Dropping his own bag to the ground and squats to open it and sifts through the contents. He pulls out one of his shirts, offering it to you. “So you don’t have to wear that.” He nods to your clothes. “I’m sure I can find someone to loan you a set of clothes tomorrow morning. But for now you can wear this to sleep in.”

You look down at the shirt, Theo never gave you a shirt of his to wear before, though you had considered stealing one a few times. At the time you wanted to be wrapped in his scent, to have him near while you slept. He’s giving you everything you wanted, but he waited until it would hurt the most.

You set the shirt on the bed and then kick off your boots and remove your satchel, shoving them under the bed. Your hands reach behind your head to release the tie at the back of your neck. Pulling off the sleeves, you realize that the pouch Cal loaned you is still under the dress. You don’t want Theo to see it so you pretend to fumble with the fabric for a moment to loosen it enough to slide it off with the dress, hiding it. You drop everything to the floor and kick it under the bed.

There is the sound of a sharp inhale behind you and you realize you are once again entirely naked in front of Theo. Your heart slows at the memory of how he wouldn’t look at you last time you were naked, but when you tentatively turn, he is looking right at you. His eyes fill with lust, though you can see he is fighting it. You grab the shirt off the bed and quickly throw it over your head, covering up everything important.

Theo takes a hesitant step towards you. “You’re so beautiful, I promise to show you that every day. I’m sorry that I failed you before, I won’t let our family down ever again.”

Your heart clenches at the words and you can only nod at him. The discomfort makes you move to the side of the bed, pull back the covers, and sit. Crossing your legs and pulling the hem of the shirt down to cover yourself. Theo gets undressed as well, changing into a pair of comfortable gray pants for sleeping. He is shirtless and despite your feelings of sorrow, your eyes ogle his muscular form. Your brain is reminding you that you still find him attractive despite your feelings for Cal.

He walks over and climbs onto the bed as well. “I can help you fall asleep, that way you’ll be on the right schedule for this planet. You’ll be staying here for quite some time, especially if you are going to be a mother soon.”

You look at him, unsure what to say back. Theo doesn’t need you to respond, he reaches out and touches your forehead with two fingers and you suddenly feel overwhelmed with sleepiness. He guides you backwards until your head rests on the pillow. He situates himself next to you and pulls the covers up over your bodies. You are drifting off as you feel Theo wrap an arm around you, pulling you close against him.

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Next Chapter: The Way He Follows You